Topic suggested by Udhaya on Thu Aug 13 16:05:05 .
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- From: K.V.Sridharan (@ 98a89fe0.ipt.aol.com)
on: Sun Nov 14 11:16:30
Measure of Success and Tolerance
Chauffeur-driven car
dark suite and bright tie
Well polished black shoes
Frequently ringing cell phone
a patch of grey hair in the forehead
Membership in major clubs
Well dressed woman companion
Measure of great life style.
half-dressed crying babies
with running nose
mothers with torn blouse
and un-combed hair
Living in roadside tents
not knowing about future
begging for next meal
Measure of great tolerance.
- From: gem (@ proxyr1.fresno.ca.gov)
on: Mon Nov 15 16:02:08
ѝ 㛍晐
ѹ
- From: Aarthy Dhamodaran (@ spider-we083.proxy.aol.com)
on: Tue Nov 16 09:34:50
Uncle Udhaya,
I loved your Haiku where the 'wind plays catch'. I have a small question for you. Are prose poems allowed here? Thank you.
Here's a small pome from me.
A PORTRAIT
----------
The wind swirls
A tango
Amidst trees
A flurry of green
An Irish snowfall.
On my window,
My eyes to the world--
A sheer
Water beadcurtain
Plastered with
O'Henry's last hope
Yellowed with age
Memories evergreen
Veins drained white
Dressed in crimson--
....A Leaf
~Aarthy
- From: Aarthy (@ spider-we083.proxy.aol.com)
on: Tue Nov 16 09:39:19
Oops, please start the second stanza as:
On my window
My eyes to the world--
The rain drapes
A sheer
Water beadcurtain
I missed 'The rain drapes' in my previous posting. Sorry.
~Aarthy
- From: nalini (@ 169.144.45.69)
on: Tue Nov 16 10:55:49
ah, the "niece" is back :-) Welcome back Aarthy! Absolutely loved your poem, especially the second stanza. So rich with ideas *and* images.
"The rain drapes A sheer Water beadcurtain .. Memories evergreen .. Dressed in crimson-- ....A Leaf" wow! Won't you come by more often?
Udhaya,
"his subjects reach beyond
the squareness of their existence"
says so much. So true of Winslow; of all great painters for that matter.
- From: sachu (@ 205.177.170.122)
on: Tue Nov 16 19:40:07
aarthy
wow! great poem.
- From: Udhaya (@ 205.218.142.166)
on: Tue Nov 16 20:03:04
KVS,
You should have given bolded headers or numbered them separately or something. I read the three short pieces as a whole piece and got so lost. Heartbeat was very good, it had the effect and satisfaction of a stiff drink from a shot glass.
in "Memories of Success and Tolerance", it is very conceptual in its stark contrasts. As a poem you need to mince it somehow and decide on a voice. Do you want to say something about these varying states about the why, what and how? or just leave the two separate and find a linking similarity or irony? Just stating the differences leaves the idea at the uncooked recipe level.
Aarthy,
Thanks for visiting this poetry home for the aged. Ireland's always associated with green, so the flurry of leaves as Irish snowfall was wildly creative. I also enjoyed the water beadcurtain.
- From: aruLarasan (@ psiphi.umsl.edu)
on: Tue Nov 16 21:10:35
Arththi,
a very warm welcome back note. good poem. btw, what was O'Henry's last hope?
btw, why wait for udhayA uncle to say "yes". (do you think he is going to say no? :-) enna udhayA, sari dhAnE? ) please post your poems, prose or otherwise, left right and center.
- From: bb (@ ts002d17.cha-il.concentric.net)
on: Wed Nov 17 00:08:31
KVS, i agree with udhaya. the two situations are seemingly unrelated and IMO do not bring out a sense of irony/contrast (atleast if we don't look at them black and blue). and some typos too. ur one liners are nice.
aarthy, wow! a vivid one, indeed! way to go, girl!
- From: Big uncle Ramji (@ 205.177.170.103)
on: Wed Nov 17 07:14:47
Aaarthy:
We uncles and aunts need nieces like you around to wake up the child in us.
Will wait for your explanation on O Henry's last hope.
- From: bb (@ ts002d07.cha-il.concentric.net)
on: Thu Nov 18 01:00:28
Fire-brand
Reclining and recuperating,
Watching happiness all around,
Feeling the new air of victory -
He's struck by a new void;
A need for a new product
For his brand. - From: Aarthy Dhamodaran (@ spider-wm057.proxy.aol.com)
on: Thu Nov 18 16:05:23
Aunt Nalini, Aunt Sachu, Uncle Udhaya, Uncle Arul, Uncle bb, Big Uncle Ramji, thank you.
Uncle Arul and Uncle Ramji,
"O'Henry's last hope" is a reference to O'Henry's short story "The Last Leaf". The heroine's hope of living hangs on that last leaf. My American Classics class came in handy here.
Thank you for making me feel at home. This is a pretty cool thread, even though U*2 sez it's a "poetry home for the aged". :-)
~Aarthy
- From: aruLarasan (@ psiphi.umsl.edu)
on: Thu Nov 18 18:49:42
Arthy,
thanks for the explanation. i (and rAmji too, it seems :-) )haven't read that story.
the page where i and bb hang out, how can it be the poetry home for the "aged"? :-)))) (and now everybody else is going to pounce on me :-)))) )
- From: not much of an uncle bb (@ ts002d08.cha-il.concentric.net)
on: Thu Nov 18 23:35:10
aruL, thanks for including me:-)
- From: bb (@ ts002d08.cha-il.concentric.net)
on: Thu Nov 18 23:38:10
http://www.bnl.com/shorts/stories/lastleaf.html - the last leaf.
- From: Ramji (@ 205.177.170.137)
on: Fri Nov 19 08:54:20
I have a very vague recollection of the last leaf, so vague it is as bad as not having read it.Certainly I had not read it at Aaarthy's age. poems at that age ? forget it!
Let us make it "the poetry home for the aging:-))
- From: NARAJ (@ brf-cache10.jaring.my)
on: Sun Nov 21 07:12:58
PENNE UN URAVU
ENAKKU THEVAI
URRANNGKAMAL UN NINAIPPU
EN IDAHYAM ENNAKKUL
ORU PARRICCAI YUTTHAM
EN UYIRIL
AVAL RATHAMAKA
ODIKINDRAL
AVAL ODUVATHANALTHAN
NAAN ENNUM
UYIR VALKIREN
- From: vj (@ chme6pc4.ecn.purdue.edu)
on: Mon Nov 22 20:03:15
Here are a series of poems, I wrote
Widow on a Train
returning with kids, a
mother in white, cold
barren forehead
it grows dark, her
mind's dusk
tears flood her face
a widow in
tears; tears
look appropriate
she stares out of the
window , everyone's
moving aimlessly
she remembers when
he smiled with
foolish optimism
the youngest kid
wants the window-seat
she does not oblige
she gets up with dignity
melancholy; she walks
Nature's call
her mother-in-law is
content, a cup of tea
and one grandkid
time moves shakily
the kids are crying
she does not return
- From: Udhaya (@ 205.218.142.166)
on: Tue Nov 23 16:15:59
bb,
The set up and finish would pack a lot more punch if you gave "Fire-brand" more backstory on the situation and person being described. Right now, it feels like a poem for the insiders.
Naraj,
New here? A warm welcome to you. I found "ORU PARRICCAI YUTTHAM" a very interesting coinage. The rest of the poem makes straightforward statements without setting this love apart and identifiable from any that could be written by others. Express your feeling uniquely in a way that will stick to readers' minds, pick on a physical characteristic of your lover, a unique incident, setting, something to set it apart from the rest.
vj,
Series of poems? Isn't it all one poem? vj, I've seen much better stuff from you, this one seems sloppy, guy. Why should "tears look appropriate" on anyone?
she walks
Nature's call
her mother-in-law is
content,
the above lines have conflicting messages, nature's call (if it's supposed to mean destiny it draws a distracting parallel to someone needing to use the bathroom).
the youngest kid
wants the window-seat
she does not oblige
these are the best, most telling lines in the poem because they capture a mood, a strain in domestic love. A serious rewrite should fix a lot of things, also take care when using widow in a poem. The word brings to mind so much emotion, loss and suffering that you may need to be least emotional in treating it, or the piece will be overwrought and maudlin.
Another comment, and this one is for everyone including myself. Always remember to read your poem out loud when you feel it's done. Even if no one is present you will catch all the troublesome phrases and the not so smooth transitions. Doing this one can avoid choppy lines and ensure a smooth flow.
Let me reiterate that all this is just my take on the poems as a fellow writer. If you want to discuss my comments we can certainly do that.
- From: sandhyasundar (@ 202.54.122.40)
on: Wed Nov 24 05:53:21
I aim for the stars
my hands
are yet
busy peeling onions.
- From: Udhaya (@ 205.218.142.166)
on: Wed Nov 24 17:00:23
sandhyasundar,
A grand debut, welcome. Your short poem says so much and implies even more. A very good piece.
- From: Siva Kumar (@ tnt-12-213.easynet.co.uk)
on: Wed Nov 24 17:48:29
A small poem from me:
Naddakka kaal irunthum
odak car vaangavillai enru
en kaathali
ennai viddu odividdal
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