Topic suggested by Udhaya on Thu Aug 13 16:05:05 .
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- From: Udhaya (@ 209.36.218.65)
on: Fri Feb 4 15:55:14 EST 2000
I've been sharing some of my friend John's poems from time to time. Here's one of his after some time.
Out of the window this blue October
layer confuses autumn. The long sad
day, orange, unrelenting (though who told her
it would yield into night?) seems to have had
an effect, lingering like fumes of traffic.
This season isn't quite what she had in mind,
as though the flavor she would like to pick
had been double-scooped and sugar-coned away. Behind
the lick of life's taste lies the craving so great
to leave the room and the whole town and drive
drive drive to see the sea and shores of slate
colored shells ---then turn inland to arrive
near fall, a pumpkin season's field in mist
surrounding our embrace, rising to a kiss.
- From: Udhaya (@ 209.36.218.65)
on: Fri Feb 4 15:55:31 EST 2000
I've been sharing some of my friend John's poems from time to time. Here's one of his after some time.
Out of the window this blue October
layer confuses autumn. The long sad
day, orange, unrelenting (though who told her
it would yield into night?) seems to have had
an effect, lingering like fumes of traffic.
This season isn't quite what she had in mind,
as though the flavor she would like to pick
had been double-scooped and sugar-coned away. Behind
the lick of life's taste lies the craving so great
to leave the room and the whole town and drive
drive drive to see the sea and shores of slate
colored shells ---then turn inland to arrive
near fall, a pumpkin season's field in mist
surrounding our embrace, rising to a kiss.
-John Fife
- From: dhana (@ figment1.gs.com)
on: Sun Feb 6 00:27:40 EST 2000
folks, this looks a great site, I had never come here, and looks like I had been missing lots of fun with your poems and comments.
Well, I read some of your poems and a thought came flashing, why are they called as poem, I am sure it is not intendation and also not just because they are termed as poem by the poet.
If the same poems if written as text , I feel it fits very well to an essay or short story or lecture, I couldn't find reason why they should be called as poem, please do let me know your comments
- From: Udhaya (@ 207-218-69-254.nas-2.obt.primenet.com)
on: Mon Feb 7 02:15:13 EST 2000
dhana,
That's a good question, I'm glad you asked instead of assuming we are all idiots. Yes, sometimes, free-verse (i.e. poems without a set meter, pudhukavidhai) may contain full sentences that could be written down as prose and essays. But poems are not mandated to be grammatical, with the requisite subject, predicate agreement along with strict punctuation guidelines that all other forms of writing follow. Also, not all free-verse poems contain full sentences. They contain, phrases, sometimes a single word in a line, mostly sentence fragments, but none of these things are a must. There are no limitations. Free-verse, sets the word on relief so our eyes can cradle each individual word separately and look at them all in a brand new light, away from the cog in a wheel function they usually perfomr in a prose or essay sentence.
I hope I've helped your understanding of poetry, if not don't worry, just let it wash over you for the mystery that it is.
- From: kr iyengar (@ tropical.com)
on: Mon Feb 7 12:06:26 EST 2000
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- From: dhana (@ figment3.gs.com)
on: Mon Feb 7 13:15:24 EST 2000
since I am in here in this site, I thought I would share one of the poems I had written.
This poem is about a widow ( a girl who got married a week ago and soon found herself as a widow ).
Let me know your views.
STUNNED
The Music composed For Duet
Scored Out As Elegy
While Miltons Paradise Gained
In Her Hands
Showed Its Face As
Paradise Lost.
Oh! Milton Is Not To Be Blamed
Nor Fate can Be Blamed
Nor Death That Took Him
Is To Be Blamed
But Alas! She Is Blamed
For Her Wedding Ring Timed Out Her King.
The World Cried
When She Is Stunned
She Cant Cry
For The Pleasant Week That Flew
Her World Had Its Week Before Her
But This Week Made Other Weak.
She Cant Cry!
For The Marital Status He Changed
Nor Can She Cry For,
The World Cried At Her
But She Is Stunned!
His Voice Flying Amidst The Cries
Darling Lets Live And Let Live
He Had Let Her Live
But For Whom?
The World Calls Her
Cry Baby
But She Is Still Stunned!
She Can Hear Him Calling
Come On Darling
On That Precious Night
The Same Night Week Ago,
When The Lub-Dub From Her Heart
Sounded Your Better Half Is Off
Countless Faces
From Her Birth
Went Behind Clouds
But The Face
Facing Her Week Before
Shine Like Sun.
She Would Have Cried For Him
Had He Gone When
He Was He Alone
But Now The World Cries At Her
And She Still Looks
Stunned!!!
BTW, Udaya thanks for the comments,
In addtion to what you had said, I had this in mind regarding poem - prose differentiation - thought I would rather put that here.
Poem, though very precise as it might seem would/should be containing lot more than it looks like. The indepth meaning as to what the poet would have said packed in those lines would be amazing when the reader realises it.
In prose/essay/short story this wouldn't be the case, where the content might be more vivid.
let me know your comments Udaya.
- From: Udhaya (@ 209.36.218.65)
on: Tue Feb 8 12:29:46 EST 2000
dhana,
The thing about a poem is that you shouldn't have to preface the plot beforehand like, "This poem is about a widow ( a girl who got married a week ago and soon found herself as a widow )." IF you want this brought out in the poem, you should show it cleverly without spelling it out, or take the just the widow character which in itself is so replete with conflict, symbol and meaning. The scenario has too much plot for a poem of this length, maybe write a story about it or carefully condense the poem.
Another personal request, please don't use initial capitalization of words, it makes it very hard to read and needlessly dates the poem.
I will point out the stuff that I think works, I kind of like the sound of the following lines:
She Is Blamed
For Her Wedding Ring Timed Out Her King.
I would skip the entire thing about Milton, it's too academic and doesn't lend the personal touch you want for such a poem.
His Voice Flying Amidst The Cries
'Darling Lets Live And Let Live'
He Had Let Her Live
But For Whom?
The above lines are the best in your poem because they hint at the outrage the widow feels about her life's betrayal. Even though "live and let live" is a cliche, you have given it a new look by the two lines that follow it. This is the heart of the poem you want to write, here is the poem's central mood, meaning. The rest needs to be rethought to suit these lines.
I'm puzzled by some lines:
Her World Had Its Week Before Her what does this mean? Maybe you're trying to go for the rhyme between week and weak, but its too heavy handed in free verse poetry. Rhyming is not out of line in free-verse poetry, but straight rhymes such as this need to be used judiciously and to good effect.
The World Cried At Her "for her" maybe not "at her" right?
The World Calls Her
'Cry Baby' Unless the widow lives in the most cruel concenctration camp, the world won't call her a cry baby.
I hope you don't feel discouraged by my comments, dhana, I really hope you will continue to write and contribute. Revision is a very big part of writing, almost any poem is better when it's rewritten. I rewrite my stuff all the time. Maybe one in a thousand can go straight from first draft to finished version but humans rarely think that clearly, besides, it's in adding and taking that a poem gets to breathe it's own life, like sculptures being chiseled with precision and care. Again, as always, try and read your poem out loud to find the clunkers in flow.
- From: Dhana (@ figment3.gs.com)
on: Tue Feb 8 13:50:05 EST 2000
That's is a good response.
let me put my thoughts what I had in mind when I wrote this.
Capitalisation of the words, I just realised. I don't know whether it was due to auto format which I should have done in MS Word, I don't know how much it affected the reading, sorry about it.
Milton concept too academic. Might be, but I intend to say is : once you get depressed, the world too will look depressed. Whatever you do, whatever anyone does will seem discouraging to you
The world suddenly will be in a total loss.
So is viceversa, when I am cheerfull the world looks so filled with enthusiasm in whatever I see.
This is not what I look or what I see, it all depends on how I saw it.
Now the widow obviously is depressed and whatever she sees looks she feels depressed, but it is not her fault, nor the object what she looks at is to be blamed.
She looks at Paradise Gained of Milton, but she can only think of Paradise lost, for the mood she is in, she can't think of any happy mood. But this is no fault of Milton. I hope I am clear.
Her World Had Its Week Before Her
But This Week Made Other Weak.
I don't know if these two lines had made the poem weak - kidding.
Anyway, what I mean is, she had so many weeks in her life, but the week that just left, which was so intense, she can't think of any other days in her life. In a nutshell, she feels this is the only week she had ever lived and all other days are just out of thought.
Another meaning what I intend to say, she had so many days in her life so filled with vigour and high spirits, but just this one week had made others dull ( weak )
I don't know if you can just say rhyming is out of style in free hand poetry, may be or may not be, I don't want to get into that discussion, but if what I intend to say , if I say with a particular meter which I feel adds beauty to what I say, why shouldn't I do it.
The world calls her cry baby. No she wouldn't have to be in a concentration camp for this.
Just imagine a widow just looking stunned without any expression in her face.
The world in addition to feeling sorry for her, would normally question had she gone mad?. The only way the world can convince that she is still ok is by seeing her crying.
The picture I portray is of a girl who just looks stunned and just filled with thoughts.
She is stunned and she couldn't cry.
I understand what you meant by
"the world cried for her"
rather than 'the world cried at her ".
Thanks, but what I meant is as I said above.
The widow just looks stunned for she doesn't know whether to cry, the world cries at her ( by this crying I doesn't mean literal crying I mean the world calling her ) " TO CRY " the world wants to make sure that she is normal, but she couldn't
The title as widow I think would be enough preface for this poem. But somehow I felt Stunned was a good title, and for the change of title I don't want to change the poem to introduce her as widow and hence this preface.
And what I had written in the preface would be well represented the title WIDOW I believe.
May be I should have written A Widow Stunned as the title without any preface.
And as regarding your explanations why I shouldn't be discouraged made me discouraged.
For I feel, if I take these comments more emotionally to get discouraged then whatever you say would never reach me, on the other hand if I am out of those emotions, taking comments healthier, then whatever you say I will try to think in your perception.
Keep sending your comments
Moreover based on this scenario being too condensed, I don't know if it has to be written as short story. For a poet decides he is going to depict a picture as a poem, then it would be well said in a poem. Story is of its own kind, where I would be explaining each of every scene more precisely, as I don't do it now.
Dhana
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