Topic started by Udhaya (@ 63.89.188.114) on Tue Jan 2 16:37:51 .
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This thread is for English poems whether they be free verse, sonnets, or other metered poems. While wondering how to state the purpose of this thread, I was struck by all that this thread isn’t meant to be. So let me state what it isn’t and leave it up to participation to continue to define what it is.
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Responses:
- Old responses
- From: Rajarangan (@ 202.144.64.4)
on: Sun Jan 21 11:44:28
Terror
On waking from a dreamless sleep
I hear the rat-tat-tat.
Dripping udder of pendulous panic
Wets my fevered brow.
Seeking the warmth of flesh nearby
I grip the varicose veins.
The silent slap of the icy wind,
Hoarse whisper of deep, deep voice
Revive the childhood nightmares
Of spidery nooks pitchy dark,
Of nodding heads on totem poles
Spilling gnome eyes here and there
Vampires sipping their midnight brew
Throwing their dregs to starry heavens.
Slimy legs entwined in bed bring
A wavy mist of formless terror
And... I crawl back to the womb.
- From: Rajarangan (@ 202.144.64.4)
on: Sun Jan 21 12:12:31
Dhana
This is really a comment upon your comment in
discussing John's poem.
I defend my remark about 'surpassing',taking
due note of your opinion in the following way.
John discards the bench,a physical object, 'in
favour of' another physical object-the bridge.
He can 'surpass' reverie which exists in mind
'in favour of' only another thought-a creation
of the mind.
Does this idea smack too much of scientific
analysis abhorred in the field of poetry ?
- From: nalini (@ pa-bethelpark2c-677.pit.adelphia.net)
on: Sun Jan 21 17:27:07
John,
Your poem is one of those that successfully pulls the reader into it's premise - physically and emotionally. Beautifully written. I like the way the poem ends with the promise of beauty, immediately after the not-so-beautiful image of "Green water, still and sickly....."
"With visions and revisions...." is a clever and profound line. By the way, I do like the usage of "surpass" - I read it to mean "overcome" or "rise above" a reverie to the possible realization of a vision.
- From: vj (@ pmu84pc5.cc.purdue.edu)
on: Mon Jan 22 00:11:28
Rangarajan,
After an interesting start .."Waking from a dreamless sleep.. rat-tat-tat.." the next two lines are "jerky". The phrase "Dripping udder of pendulous panic" is hard to digest because it seems forced and its associated imagery is confusing. "Wets my fevered brow" does more damage than good as it seems harsh or shall I say too much.
But from then on the poem really picks up and moves to a well orchestrated end. Excellent effort! The imagery is interesting throughout. Once I finished reading, I had a feeling that the lines were curt..i.e the poem lacks a certain fluidity or rhythm (I am not talking about the rhyme of words).. which gives me the impression (and forgive me if I am wrong) that you are relatively new to writing poetry. Jut a guess.. overall, a gripping and interesting effort. Keep writing.
Dhana,
I cant think if anything to say to your poem.. Well, let me re-read it later and get back to it!
Vijay
- From: Rajarangan (@ 202.144.64.4)
on: Mon Jan 22 05:57:21
Vijay
Hmm..You have made an interesting point I would
use for further attempts.Yes,'Dripping udder of
pendulous panic' in conjunction with 'wets my
fevered brow' sounds crude and simplistic but
there are two ways of terror impacting-it may be
a hard blow on solar plexus or some squashy soft
thing falling on your neck-imagine a walk in the
sewer in dark when a whiskered rat climbs over
your ear.For me,Terror appears with unwelcome,
creepy sponginess.Hence the imagery of 'udder',
'dripping','pendulous','wets' etc.
You might have noted the craving for security
in 'climb back to the womb'.
Regarding my 'newness',this poem was written
many decades ago,but you are right about my
sharing it with others now for the first time.
Terse? Terror comes in jerks and it is not a
continuous flow !
Here is another little poem of mine.You asked
for it , I say !
Proud Moments
On the mountain road,at night
A honking car zooms by me,
Eating up the macadem ribbon and
Lashing with a whip of light.
For a moment I,tiny mortal,
Am a giant dwarfing the trees.
- From: nalini (@ 169.144.224.107)
on: Mon Jan 22 09:19:06
Rajarangan,
"Proud moments" is a good one! Very effective and telling poem in a few words. I enjoyed the lines:
"Eating up the macadam ribbon and
Lashing with a whip of light"
- From: dhana (@ figment3.gs.com)
on: Mon Jan 22 15:26:35
Raj,
Thanks for adding comments on my comments, it was interesting and I guess you are right. For John had written "in favour of brdige". However, John would be able to add his comments on top, which would clarify this.
But, that apart, I have this doubt, please do clarify.
Should Surpass be used in comparitive form.
Like when I surpass something should I say surpass something over something or can I just say surpass this.
Your poem about Terrors is good.
Crawl back to the womb, ends the poem well.
Vj, Thanks, let me know your comments when you read it, even otherwise if you don't comment for this, I will make sure the next posting by me, will sure invoke you for writing comment( just kidding )
Proud moments is also a good one, but I feel, tiny mortal, mortal doesn't add much value in this context, if I am not getting it wrong. Tiny is a good comparison, but mortal somehow I don't see it fits very well. Even trees are mortal right?
- From: Udhaya (@ 63.89.188.242)
on: Mon Jan 22 16:38:14
Rajarangan,
I’ve known of Rangarajans, but you are the first Rajarangan. Just like your name, your style is very unique and compelling. There are a lot of things in the poem that work well. I’ve given my comments below in italics:
Terror
On waking from a dreamless sleep
I hear the rat-tat-tat. [rat-tat-tat of what?]
Dripping udder of pendulous panic
Wets my fevered brow. [I vote to remove this and the above line, they stick out as contrived poetry lines usually do.]
Seeking the warmth of flesh nearby [I think the poem would gain so much urgency by jumping straight to this excellent, tension-building line after the first line.]
I grip the varicose veins.
The silent slap of the icy wind, [another excellent line]
Hoarse whisper of deep, deep voice [the “deep, deep” is unnecessary and calls attention to itself. You also have a subject-verb agreement problem with “whisper and revive”, either it’s whispers/revive or whisper/revives.]
Revive the childhood nightmares
Of spidery nooks pitchy dark, [Many poets stress the accuracy of punctuation in poems. I don’t. But if you introduce punctuation in a poem, you should be consistent in using it throughout the poem. In this line, since you put a comma after dark, you need to put one after nooks, otherwise the reader will be confused about your comma usage.]
Of nodding heads on totem poles [What an image! You have a great sense of macabre imagery.]
Spilling gnome eyes here and there [A semicolon, period or empty line must go here. Again, punctuation is inconsistent.]
Vampires sipping their midnight brew
Throwing their dregs to starry heavens. [Another ghoulish line.]
Slimy legs entwined in bed bring
A wavy mist of formless terror
And... I crawl back to the womb. [A satisfying finish. The womb can be one of many fitting things.]
- From: Gokul (@ 192.190.51.15)
on: Mon Jan 22 17:03:10
Rangarajan,
"Proud Moments" works very well. I think "Tiny mortal" is redundant to the poem as the last line underlines the image.
- From: Udhaya (@ 63.89.188.242)
on: Mon Jan 22 17:34:25
Proud Moments
On the mountain road, at night[a comma after night]
A honking car zooms by me,
Eating up the macadam ribbon and [I had to look up macadam, I believe it’s spelled as macadam. Interesting word and more interesting usage. I love the coinage, macadam ribbon.]
Lashing with a whip of light.
For a moment I, tiny mortal, [Much has been said about the “tiny mortal” and I agree with everyone about not needing it. I do however like the way you spliced it between “I” and “Am”. Your punctuations are near-perfect in this poem.]
Am a giant dwarfing the trees.
All in all, a fine short poem, Rajarangan.
- From: John Fife (@ coltrane.sjsu.edu)
on: Mon Jan 22 19:20:06
Greetings to All,
I've not had a chance to check the latest discussions, so I will now catch up in two messages.
First, to Dhana, I just had some questions about your poem pertaining to a farewell.
Was it intentional to have the first line an exclamatory sentence, a proclamation of sorts, followed by a question in the second line?
And as I bid a farewell, do I really mean it!
And as I fly miles away, do I really fly across from you?
It's is certainly an interesting idea to begin with the speaker announcing his farewell with deep sincerity and confidence, then to follow it with a moment of reflection in the second sentence, as though questioning the sincerity and passion of the farewell.
I was just wondering if the first line is meant to be more of a rhetorical question.
I very much like the phrase "nameless melancholy." Perhaps if you considered a different verb choice as an alternate to "turning," you might better convey the motion of excitement plummeting into nameless melancholy.
The occasion operating behind the poem comes through powerfully. One can imagine a departure on many levels.
Thanks,
John
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