English Poetry Workshop

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English Poetry Workshop English Poetry Workshop

Topic started by Udhaya (@ 63.89.188.114) on Tue Jan 2 16:37:51 .
All times in EST +10:30 for IST.

This thread is for English poems whether they be free verse, sonnets, or other metered poems. While wondering how to state the purpose of this thread, I was struck by all that this thread isn’t meant to be. So let me state what it isn’t and leave it up to participation to continue to define what it is.

What this workshop isn’t:
-This is not a place for poets to dump their entire collection in hopes of quick reactions and applause. Also, don’t put links to your poems that exist somewhere else, there are plenty of other venues to do that on the web.
-Workshop your own poems and take time to review other’s poems. Without that give and take you might as well not participate here.
-This is not a place for adolescent honesty, wherein harsh things are aired bluntly under the guise of honesty. This place has no other purpose than to offer support to fellow writers. Any person going against that spirit will be severely shamed.
-Only English poems and discussions regarding posted poems are allowed here. For all other concerns please look elsewhere.
-By starting the thread I aim to direct and maintain the flow of this thread that’s all. No one’s an authority here, consider this a roundtable class without a teacher where your poem gets read and reviewed by the class. I will offer my suggestions as will others who contribute here. No one is an authority on poetry and no one certain way of looking at a poem exists.

Note: Writers own the exclusive copyright to all the works they publish here.

Responses:

Old responses
From: dhana (@ figment3.gs.com) on: Thu Mar 22 14:03:14

Udaya,

It is good effort and thought to put together the contrast between poverty and wealth.

With my understanding of the poem, I have some questions.

blinking neon atop
begrimed buildings
stand testament to ruin
------- I couldn't get the view, why these dirty buildings forecast ruin

Capitalism targeting everyone,
It is a good line, but I would get a more strong word than just auidence.
Audience is more like reviewers, but your view would be to point to someone who doesn't have reaction like silent spectators right?

The stanza commenting on Capitalism, I couldn't relate with the rest of the poem.
For Ex:
The stanza with Stray dogs and Flyover shows the good contrast, which you wanted to portray. But are these because of Capitalism?

Finally, the final stanza with Scar, I don't guess Scar would be the right word.
Scar is something which shows its face, even after the wound is healed, but your concept I don't think the poverty is healed, it is still a burning wound and it is not healed to become a scar.
Let me know your views.
From: Udhaya (@ 63.89.188.115) on: Thu Mar 22 14:57:15

dhana,
I wrote the poem as a travel vignette, so, a causal relationship between capitalism and poverty is beyond its realm. I agree with you regarding the "scar" usage, maybe it's not the most appropriate. Thanks for the read and suggestions.
From: Sundar (@ ip16.79.blca.blazenet.net) on: Fri Mar 23 13:12:09

Let me take a late hit on MukundhN, if y'awl don't mind =)

The fisrt impression I got about this poem was that it was thought up in the vernacular and then cast into English. That may explain some of the slightly stilted syntax. Does this make sense to anyone else?

The second is that it's an interesting premise - I too went with the 'first time in bed' angle. But the idea of physicalities relating people is ancient, and yet very new. Sempulapeyaneerar's sangam tamil poem comes to mind , that states something to the effect of:

"who am I to you and you to me,
who are your people to mine, ...

and yet we lie here
our bodies and souls entwined
blended like red earth and falling rain".

The last line gives the nom de plume of the poet, Sem-pula-peya-neer-ar (the poet of red earth and falling rain). AK Ramanujan did a much better translation I think.

This poem hit me like that. And adding to that effect was that i love the smell of new rain on fresh earth!
From: mukundhN (@ 202.86.172.220) on: Fri Mar 23 21:03:55

Sundar:

Thank you very much for referring to sempulappeyaneeraar's poem. it is really fun to see that the style is almost same in mine. I like sempulappeyaneeraar's poem greatly. In 10th standard or so we learnt this poem. lot of sangam poems touch subtle feelings.

thanks for ur comments,
mukundhN
From: vj (@ chme6pc4.ecn.purdue.edu) on: Sat Mar 24 13:11:03

Udhaya, I am going to do it your style.

Main Road, India Great title

blinking neon atop
begrimed buildings
stand testament to ruin This is confusing. what stands testament to ruin? You seem to indicate that the neon signs do.. but that is not your intent, I assume. "begrimed" is a lovely choice of words

billboards push
the latest car
shopping multiplex or movie

capitalism targets all
willing or not
we are audience
buy it or not
we are sold. this short syllable technique works here.. but something like "we are audience"
despite its poetic license is jarring to me

faces armored against dismay
negotiate the sultry traffic for room

engines rev up to varying speeds amidst the cackle of horns
and bells and sealed screams behind car windows The imagery used here comes across as cliched. "sealed screams behind car windows" sounds outlandish

stray dogs know their place in all this
as do vagrants, beggars
and sidewalk defecators

flyovers are underway
the homeless have already
pitched tents below them

in a nation dragging its heels
toward economic progress
the scars of poverty
peel in public The last two paragraphs and may be the first are the best in your poem. I think what you have is an excellent draft. With a little more work in the middle, with possibly an added dimension to the poem, it will be great. In essence, I feel that your poem needs more to mature, I am being vague about it, but I think you'll understand:)

I have noticed something about the physical geometry of your poems. I am very concerned about keeping the length of each line comparable, unless I want to consciously break the rules.. but you always have a couple of lines in the middle that are much longer than the others. Sort of an arc if you trace the end of each line as opposed to a line.

Sundar,
And vairamuthu planted the very same words in a song! Its amazing that the quality of Indian movies are poor, given that we so many complex issues to face and work with, and given the richness of stories and ideas in our ancestor's literary works. I think I will post a poem in a similar vein today.. I wrote a series of poems on a similar theme, and this would have already been read by a few..
From: vj (@ chme6pc4.ecn.purdue.edu) on: Sat Mar 24 14:54:10

Here's an old poem, written as a part of a series.

Us

I cry holding your breasts
Tears mixing with your sweat
On your stomach's fold;
You, calm and breathing

heavily, kneading my wet hair
with rhythmic caresses while
muttering meaningless words of

comfort.
From: robin (@ 202.54.92.10) on: Sat Mar 24 16:41:53

beautiful lines Vj They are very pure in Imagery and ethos. And is like verse that has musical imagery.

>>I cry holding your breasts
Tears mixing with your sweat
On your stomach's fold;
You, calm and breathing <<

very imagistic. It is very true in its essence.
From: Udhaya (@ 63.89.188.99) on: Mon Mar 26 13:20:38

vj,
Thanks for the detailed review. Your views are duly noted. I find interesting your concern about line lengths. I don't consciously curtail line lengths based on the rest of the poem, I try and remain true to each line individually. If there's a pattern to my linebreaks, it's news to me.
From: John Fife (@ coltrane.sjsu.edu) on: Mon Mar 26 13:55:28

Udhaya, here's another fine poem in which you flex your lean, taut poetic muscles. I quite enjoyed it and adopted your mode for my own comments on particular lines.
Now, I'll read on to see what the rest of the group thought.

Main Road, India (Good title. It's the "Every Road" of India. This could be easily describe Chennai, Calcutta, or a host of other Indian cities)

blinking neon atop
begrimed buildings
stand testament to ruin

billboards push
the latest car
shopping multiplex or movie

capitalism targets all
willing or not
we are audience
buy it or not
we are sold.

faces armored against dismay
negotiate the sultry traffic for room

engines rev up to varying speeds amidst the cackle of horns
and bells and sealed screams behind car windows
(These lines seem uncontrolled compared the rest of the poem. I'd suggest a line break after "speeds" and have "amidst the cackle of horns and bells" as one line.)

stray dogs know their place in all this (You can cut "in all this" without losing any meaning)
as do vagrants, beggars
and sidewalk defecators

flyovers are underway (Great wordplay)
the homeless have already
pitched tents below them

in a nation dragging its heels
toward economic progress
the scars of poverty
peel in public

(In this powerful concluding stanza, you've distilled to the essence one of the painful contradictions of modern India. It seems that no discussion of India can properly take place that doesn't grapple with the disparity between the rising middle-class economic growth and the grinding poverty from which so few people escape.)

Thanks!
--john
From: John Fife (@ coltrane.sjsu.edu) on: Mon Mar 26 14:19:22

Sundar's observation of mukundhN's poem is an interesting one. Sundar is always pointing out things I hadn't considered!
From: nalini (@ 169.144.224.107) on: Mon Mar 26 17:18:32

Udhaya, some of the unique expressions in your poem transform the commonplace and cliched scenes to not-so-cliched imagery. I enjoyed the expression:
"faces armored against dismay
negotiate the sultry traffic for room"
..
"sealed screams behind car windows"
..
"flyovers are underway"

I agree with the others - the last stanza is great - captures the essence so very succintly and poetically.

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